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Living

I was diagnosed with colorectal cancer in February of 2018. I recently reached my two-year fighter anniversary. I had a three month "remission" after some chemo, but that is all that I have had since being diagnosed. I'm happy to still be alive, but this has not been easy. In fact, most recently, I found out that I have developed more lesions in my liver after I had tried to remove the only one that was there just ten weeks ago. So, I am facing a hard chemo regimen that will probably start soon--most likely this next week--that I am not looking forward to.

I refuse to say that I am dying because I feel amazing. I am a personal trainer and group fitness instructor. I ate almost too perfectly when I was diagnosed, and I have never smoked nor drank alcohol. I was in the best shape of my life when the doctor called me with the news. In fact, I feel worse when I am undergoing treatment than when I am "left alone." So, to say that I relate to Randy Pausch when he gave his "last lecture" is an understatement.

Randy's attitude and humor was very inspiring to me. I loved the way he looked at his life's accomplishments. He spoke of all of his childhood dreams and how he was able to do them or do something similar enough to them that it "counted." It got me thinking about what my childhood dreams were, and to tell the truth, I had a hard time remembering.

The only things I could remember dreaming of as a child after I gave it a lot of thought are as follows: I wanted to get to see space at the border of the earth where the atmosphere meets the blackness and stars, I wanted to sing in the Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square (then the Mormon Tabernacle Choir), I wanted to have a lead in all of the musicals, to travel the world, and to be a wife and mother.

I think dreaming is very important. Without dreams, where is the wonder and excitement in the future? I know that I, personally, wouldn't have the drive that I do to accomplish everything that I do and that I want to do without dreaming. Dreaming helps me live and helps me want to continue to live.

I don't know if I will get to accomplish all of my childhood dreams. I am already a wife and mother, I have been a lead in musicals and even in operas, and I tried out for the Tabernacle Choir, but didn't make it because we we moved away from Utah. I don't know if I will ever get to travel the world, and I don't know if I will ever get to see space in person. But, I do know that I am going to continue to choose to live life to the fullest extent possible, and I am always going to dream big.
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